Let Me Go
by thatquietfangirlintheback
Summary: A year later and Lovino is still working on recovery, but also finds himself noticing the hardships of the people around him. Family drama, Antonio's relationship with his father, his own relationship problems... Can he juggle all of these things while attending college?
1. Chapter 1

Here it is as promised! The first chapter to the sequel of "All I've Lost." I can't even begin to explain how happy I was when I read the reviews for it, since I had started it feeling anxious about whether or not it would get positive feedback. But since it was very well received, I wanted to kinda continue the story, but focus a little more on the characters around Lovi.

Also, I decided that the intro to the chapter will be my favorite recovery quotes. (Whereas "All I've Lost" was a poem.)

So, here it is! I hope you guys like it and I'll be updating every Tuesday.

* * *

Chapter 1. _"It's Work,_

 _It's a process,_

 _It's worth it,_

 _it's possible."_

* * *

"Are you almost done?"

"Hmm...yeah, just about."

The last box was cut open and the Spaniard stuffed his hands inside it, retrieving the contents carefully placed inside. Everything from photos, books, clothes, papers, bags and random knickknacks littered the living room of their shared apartment.

Antonio wiped his sweaty forehead, his curly brown bangs were pinned up courtesy of Lovino, who had been pointing out just how long Antonio's hair was getting. He was currently wearing a plaid red and black button-up that had its sleeves rolled up to his elbows and dark grey shorts that showed his tanned, muscular legs.

"Here, let me do it. You're taking too long!" Lovino hissed, snatching the box from his boyfriend and rifling through the box himself. Antonio's gaze traveled over Lovino, taking all of him in as the reality of them living together sunk in.

Lovino's appearance had changed drastically ever since they graduated high school. His once wispy hair was now softer and thicker. Instead of his pale face, his skin now glowed and was definitely much darker, which Antonio presumed was his natural skin tone. He was nearly as dark as Antonio by now!

Where once Antonio could easily see Lovino's ribcage and bones in his chest, arms and legs, he now looked much healthier. He didn't have the thigh gap he had once had, but the collarbones remained and his stomach was still considerably flat. Antonio couldn't help blurting out, "You're so beautiful." to Lovino, who paused just as he was taking a photo frame out from the box, and gave Antonio a curious stare.

"...Thanks." He said with a smirk, leaning over to peck the Spaniard on the lips before resuming unpacking. "I know I look sexy, but if you can stop ogling over me for just ten minutes, we might actually get things done."

Antonio laughed and scooted closer to assist Lovino with the photos. "That's impossible. I can't help but ogle over you every chance I get." He said easily, stacking the photos and standing up to place them on the nearby desk. He loved Lovino's new proud attitude. New to him, at least. Feliciano had assured Antonio that that had been how Lovino had acted before the disorder.

Lovino rolled his eyes and pulled another box toward him, but a small smile quirked his lips. "Hey, do you know where we put the boxes full of books?" He asked Antonio as he looked around the room.

"Hmm… You mean that giant box that was too heavy to carry so we had to pull it on a wagon?" Antonio asked cheerfully.

"Yes, that one."

"Ah, let me check." Antonio walked into the next room that was going to be their shared bedroom, where Feliciano was also unpacking. "Was the big box in here-? Oh, there it is~" Antonio grinned at Feliciano, who was putting the books on a bookshelf in the corner of the room.

He beamed at Antonio the moment he had walked in. "How's it look in there? Still lots to do?" He asked as he stood up and stretched. "I didn't realize just how many books Lovino had!"

Antonio chuckled and led Feliciano back into the living room of the apartment. It was midday and the sun shown brightly into the un-curtained windows. So far they only set up the basics. Such as the bed, bookshelf, tv stand, dresser, and futon. The rest of their things had yet to be unpacked and both the living room and bedroom were littered with their possessions.

"Wow!" Feliciano exclaimed as he tiptoed threw the mess to get to his brother. "I don't think you guys will be done tonight!" He said as he glanced around.

Lovino nodded and scrunched up his nose when he took a bag of potato chips from out of a box. He looked at Antonio, who only shrugged. "They were probably sitting in my room. I told you, I just threw everything into boxes when I packed." He said sheepishly.

Feliciano giggled and searched through the box as well, finding other foods such as a box of oreos, animal crackers, and a can of soda. "...You… like to snack…?" He asked jokingly, tossing the food in a pile that Lovino had created to go into the kitchen.

Antonio chuckled and made his way over to Lovino, sitting down in a criss-cross beside him. "Why don't we take a break? We could go have lunch or something." He suggested as he pushed the box away from Lovino a bit.

Lovino's hands rested on his lap and he too was a little sweaty. "Well, alright but where are we going to go?" He complied and stretched his legs out on the pale grey carpet.

Feliciano clapped his hands together excitedly. "I know! How about this one Japanese restaurant? It's just down the road!" He said happily.

Antonio and Lovino glanced at each other and gave Feliciano a confirming nod. "Well, at least you didn't suggest a fucking Italian restaurant. I can't stand those places, with their disgustingly fake spaghetti..." Lovino griped and gave Antonio a once over, wrinkling his nose as he noticed just how sweaty he was. "...Let's go after we shower though..."

Feliciano gasped and made a show of covering his mouth dramatically. "Oh, Lovi! How naughty~" He teased and dodged a notebook that was immediately flung at him.

"I- I didn't mean together, you idiots!" Lovino shouted embarrassedly when Antonio laughed and commented about how bold Lovino was.

"Well, I'll hop in first then." Antonio grinned and unpinned his bangs, letting them fall awkwardly on his forehead and over his eyes. He stood up and left to the backroom where the bathroom was located, leaving the two brothers alone.

"Antonio seems so happy." Feliciano commented and helped his brother stand so he could stretch out his legs.

"You have no idea. The first time I even suggested us moving in together, he cried for about fifteen goddamn minutes and wouldn't let me go..." Lovino sighed and rolled his shoulders to get the kinks out of them.

Feliciano giggled softly and they strode over to the new black futon, sitting down and making themselves comfortable. "...Grandpa was sad when you left, you know." He said, breaking the short silence that fell.

"Yeah? Well, he shouldn't be. We'll come visit." Lovino grumbled, but his stomach twisted at the thought of their grandfather living alone now. Feliciano had instead moved into the campus dorms, and roomed with Ludwig. He and Antonio, however, had decided that it would be better if they were to live in their own apartment. Especially after they found one available that was close to campus, but was also very near the small shopping district. If they had chosen a dorm as Feliciano had, they could not guarantee them living together.

"I guess so…" Feliciano mumbled sadly, fumbling with his fingers. "…This is all so new, grandpa was worried something might happen… again..."

Lovino snorted and tried not to roll his eyes. "Feli, we've talked about this a hundred times. I'm okay now. It's been almost a year, I think I can honestly say I'm recovered." He forced himself to smile reassuringly, but Feliciano only frowned.

"I know. And you haven't relapsed in several months, but still…"

"I've got Antonio with me. I am one hundred percent okay. Actually, I'm feeling fucking elated right now."

As he said this, Antonio's humming drifted in from the bathroom and Feliciano finally smiled. The two listened to the sound and Lovino did his best to suppress a laugh at how ridiculous the Spaniard was sometimes.

"Okay." Feliciano relented. "Luddy wants to get to know you better too, you know." He glanced at his brother hopefully.

Lovino groaned and let his head fall back against the backrest of the futon. "I allowed you two to sleep together, date, and live together, what more does he fucking want?"

Feliciano giggled once more. "Well, it's going to be holiday season soon. Thanksgiving, Christmas...New Years.." He counted off on his fingers.

Lovino turned his head to stare at his brother. "So, what? Antonio's not like that with you." He accused.

The smile faded, but Feliciano pressed on. "So Ludwig wants to celebrate those holidays together, as a family! We're both in reasonably serious relationships, Lovi. It's important for us to spend time together and get to know one another. And… Antonio's not like that because unlike you, we actually talk and have a decent relationship. You've never bothered to talk to Ludwig." He said sadly, bringing his knees to his chest and turning away.

Lovino knew his brother was right. Antonio had voiced on more than one occasion how he would like to have Lovino's entire family over so that they could be introduced to his mother and brother. Or how Antonio and Feliciano did have a good relationship together. It was even more odd that Ludwig had been present during Lovino's darkest days in high school and had witnessed some of his breakdowns and knew of his situation. Yet, they rarely looked each other in the eye, let alone talk.

Antonio suddenly walked into the cluttered living room in a grey tank top and black shorts, his hair was still dripping wet and the towel was hung over his shoulders. "You two are so quiet, I thought you'd left without me." He chuckled and sat down in front of Lovino on the floor.

Lovino blushed, but knew what the Spaniard had wanted. He took the towel from Antonio and began drying his hair for him, ignoring his brother's soft coos of how 'adorable' they were.

"Idiot. I still need to shower too." Lovino told him softly.

When he was finished and Antonio's hair was a completely dry mess, he stood from the futon and tiptoed his way to the bedroom, not saying a word as he jumped in the shower.

~oO0Oo~

Antonio didn't know what to think. At first glance it seemed as if nothing was wrong, but the moment Antonio stopped engaging in conversation, the table became awkward and silent. Normally, the two brothers would talk or bicker, but now they avoided looking at one another completely. Feliciano was fine talking indirectly to Lovino however, so Antonio didn't doubt that it was Lovino who was upset.

It was always a constant worry, no matter how far Lovino was in recovery, or has come since. In the middle of their late lunch he suddenly excused himself and went into the bathroom. Antonio followed shortly after, memories of how Lovino had forced himself to throw up secretly, even when it seemed he was fine with eating, added to the concern.

However when Antonio opened the bathroom doors, it was to see Lovino splashing water onto his face and frowning deeply.

"Before you ask, we're not fighting. It's just me." Lovino explained without turning to Antonio. He pulled a paper towel out from its dispenser and dried his face.

"What's wrong?" Antonio asked gently, taking a moment to inspect the room to make sure no one was there with them.

Lovino bunched up the paper towel and tossed it into the nearby bin, then leaned against the wall, finally facing Antonio. "Something's wrong with me." He said, staring into Antonio's surprised eyes.

"We've talked about this Lovi, there's nothing wrong with you, you're perfect to m-"

"No, not that." Lovino interrupted. "I mean… I don't get excited the way you and Feli do when you think about spending the holidays together as a family. It just seems kinda…" The confused look Antonio gave him made him rush to move on. "And, Feli's right. I don't bother establishing any kind of relationships, especially with Ludwig. I just don't think it's that important. But...you and Feli talk, and… and I don't know…it just made me feel guilty." He finished, looking down.

Antonio smiled, moving closer and brushing wet strands of hair out of Lovino's face. "Well, I don't know about the whole holidays and family thing. I mean, it would be nice, but you shouldn't feel compelled to enjoy something you've got no feelings towards. And yes, Feli may be right, but he's also got to understand that it's just your personality. You like to keep to yourself. Feli and I only talk because we have very outgoing personalities. Both you and Ludwig are reserved, but that doesn't mean you hate each other."

Lovino was honestly amazed. Antonio was great at reassuring Lovino and helping to make him feel better. It seemed like he knew just the right things to say. Lovino sighed in relief and leaned forward to wrap his arms around Antonio's waist. "It's scary how well you manage to make me feel better..." He mumbled against his chest.

Lovino felt the hair on the top of his head flutter as Antonio laughed. "You think so? I just speak what comes to mind."

The door to the bathroom swung open and an elderly man halted as he came upon the two of them. Lovino immediately pushed away, his face completely bright red. The man eyed them warily as he made his way to one of the stalls and Antonio apologized profusely before leading the two of them out of the bathroom.

Feliciano was sitting at the table alone with a sad expression on his face. Their food was still sitting half-eaten on the table and he was busying himself with swirling his straw in his drink.

When they returned, Antonio gave Feliciano the usual reassuring look that told him Lovino hadn't meant to purge.

"...While you two were gone, I overheard this one couple saying that a carnival comes every Halloween." Feliciano began, glancing at Lovino for any sort of reaction. "Maybe we could go together?"

Antonio beamed around his mouth full of noodles. "Sounth great!" He tried saying.

Lovino was slowly chewing his food and looked to be contemplating the idea. He still refused to look at his younger brother, but debated on how he should go about apologizing for his behavior.

"...Well, since classes are starting next week, we won't be able to hang out as much. Luddy's grateful you two helped us move into our dorm..." He continued nervously. "...And… well, since classes are starting...we were thinking it would be nice for...for Lovi to meet Luddy's relatives. Since they'll be visiting often as well."

Lovino shot his brother a look and finished swallowing his food before speaking. "Just how many relatives are we talking about?" He questioned.

Feliciano's eyes wandered away from his brother's piercing stare and he smiled nervously. "Um… Well, maybe a few cousins… Gil will be around, of course. But I think we'll be eating dinner with them as well, so I guess you'll see how many there are..." He tried joking, but Lovino's expression only hardened.

"I thought you said you wanted to do the whole 'meeting each other's families' thing during the holidays?" He asked in a dangerous tone.

"Well, not necessarily the holidays, Lovi. The point was meeting them in general." Feliciano retorted, finally gathering the courage to return his brother's glare.

"But they're not my family. They'll be yours!" Lovino's voice rose, and Antonio gently placed a hand on his shoulder.

"You're wrong! Luddy will be family to you, and _I_ want you to meet them!" Feliciano admitted, his eyes watering as he stared pleadingly at Lovino. "Why do you always have to be so cruel?"

Lovino faltered, the words stinging him worse than he thought they would. Before he could say anything however, Feliciano pulled money from his pocket and slammed it down onto the table. "I'm going to stay in a hotel room." He growled out as he stomped out of the restaurant.

"...Why waste money when he's been staying with us...?" Antonio asked in confusion as he watched Feliciano go. He sighed and turned to Lovino, who was glaring at the food in front of him. That was always a dangerous sign.

"...What do you say we go for a walk around town? I hear there's an interesting bookstore a few blocks down?" He asked lightly.

"...Am I in the wrong, Antonio?" Lovino asked instead, ignoring Antonio's suggestion.

Antonio tilted his head and hummed in thought. He felt he had no right to side with either brother. Both had their own reasons, after all. "Well, no… But I can see where Feli's coming from." A strange look from Lovino made him rush to explain. "I mean- from my point of view, I'd want you to meet with family, if only for the sole purpose of feeling accepted. I think Feli has decided that you don't accept Ludwig as a future brother-in-law, and he was suggesting the dinner in hopes that you would maybe learn to accept him. Your opinion might mean the world to him, Lovi."

Lovino sighed and pulled the glass of water toward him, taking a few sips. "...It stresses me the fuck out, but if that's what he really wants, then I guess I'll just have to do it..." He mumbled. "I left my phone at the apartment, I should probably call him and apologize..."

Antonio smiled and nodded, pulling out his wallet. "Okay. But we're so going to that bookstore, I know you want to." The grin that Lovino gave him made his heart flutter and the two paid for their late lunch, saving Feliciano's money to return to him later.

~oO0Oo~

The first night alone in their apartment felt strange. Lovino was used to hearing his grandfather moving about in the house and Feliciano making a ruckus before bed. Antonio tried to get used to the feeling of his brother being nowhere near his bedroom, so he didn't have to worry about being pranked in the middle of the night. Or how his mother's soothing hum's drifted in from the living room or kitchen.

Lovino shifted to his side, meeting Antonio's gaze in the darkness of the room. "...Do you really think I can get along with Ludwig and his family?" Lovino asked suddenly.

There was a great deal of space between them, which made Antonio sad, but he wanted to respect Lovino's wishes. Instead he reached out to take a hold of Lovino's hand, squeezing it lightly. "Of course. It's not like you hate Ludwig, right?"

Lovino stared at their hands, appreciating the warmth that radiated from the Spaniards fingers. "No, no I don't..." He admitted in a hushed voice.

Antonio nodded, seeming satisfied with that answer. He figured their conversation was over, so he wriggled into the blanket more and closed his eyes. He didn't expect Lovino to speak again, however.

"...I don't really know much about your family."

There was a stiffening silence, leaving Lovino to wonder if it was okay that he had mentioned the topic at all. Antonio's hand lessened its hold, but the touch remained, much to Lovino's relief.

"...I have a mother, she grew up in Barcelona and both of her parents are still living there. She loves to knit, sew, bake, and every now and then, play guitar. She has two boys, the oldest is named Afonso and he commutes back and forth from home to his college where he's studying for law. He's a little rough around the edges, but otherwise a great brother. The youngest is Antonio, who is yours truly. He is currently living together with the love of his life and couldn't be happier." Antonio spoke happily and couldn't stop himself from scooting closer to Lovino a bit. When the Italian didn't resist or push him away, he closed the distance between them and gently wrapped his arms around him.

"...Then… What about… your dad?" Lovino asked hesitantly. The words rolling off of his tongue before he could stop them.

"Ah, he's just… plain, boring. There's nothing much to say about him." Antonio quickly said, then changed the subject. "Anyway, it's getting late and we still have a lot of work to do around the apartment. You should get some rest, my love." He kissed Lovino's forehead and nuzzled closer as he closed his eyes.

Lovino laid there, stunned. Antonio had subtly rejected his question. He had guessed that it would be a sour topic for Antonio, who showed signs of greatly disliking his father. But Lovino was very curious about it. Then again, it wasn't really any of his business, was it?

With that thought sitting in the back of his mind, he let his eyelids drift close. However the worry of Feliciano lingered. He had tried calling him numerous times when they had returned to the apartment, and Lovino was a bit crushed when Feliciano only texted Antonio, saying that he was doing okay and to not worry. He decided that as soon as possible the next morning, he would go and try to make amends with his younger brother.


	2. Chapter 2

This chapter was actually really fun to write! I hope you guys like it, even if it's a strange mix of fluff and angst. I think this story may follow with Antonio's emotions from here on out. You'll see what I mean.

Thanks so much for all of your support, this fandom has always been a safe haven for me, and I'm glad to feel that it still is. Y'all are awesome!

Nothing to really warn against here, so... RxR and enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 2. _"H.O.P.E:_  
 _Hold_  
 _On,_  
 _Pain_  
 _Ends."_

* * *

When Antonio's eyelids finally fluttered open, he couldn't help but reach to his side where he thought Lovino would be. When he was met with cold, empty sheets, he sat up and tried to rub the sleep from his eyes.

"Lovi?" He `called out. The bathroom door was open, so he surely wasn't in there. Just as he was about to repeat himself louder, he heard some clattering of pots and pans from the kitchen. His stomach grumbled loudly and he pushed himself up and off of the bed. His feet dragged slightly as he crossed the room and opened the door to the living room. The delicious aroma hit his nose immediately and he hummed enthusiastically as he walked into the connecting kitchen.

"It smells delicious, my love." He said honestly and wrapped his arms around Lovino's waist, who was standing beside the stove.

"Of course it does." Lovino grumbled, but smiled nonetheless. He turned the stove off and set the pan containing two eggs aside so they wouldn't burn. He then turned around in Antonio's arms to face him and wrapped his arms around the Spaniard's neck. "Good morning, by the way." He mumbled as he tilted his head up for a kiss.

Antonio laughed and felt giddy due to Lovino's affectionate attitude. "Good morning! Did you sleep well? You're in a good mood." He leaned forward to indulge Lovino in a loving kiss. When they pulled away, he eased his hold on the Italian and leaned forward to inspect their breakfast. "Everything looks great. You're so amazing, Lovi." He cooed.

Lovino immediately tried to pull away, the blush already making its way onto his cheeks. "Y-you're an idiot… It's not that great…" He grumbled embarrassedly.

But Antonio wouldn't have that. He pulled Lovino into a full embrace, wrapping his arms securely around his waist. The kitchen was filled with Lovino's struggling grunts and Antonio's uncontrollable laughter as he effortlessly lifted the Italian up and spun around.

Lovino shrieked and tried to cling to Antonio's arms. Attempting, but failing to hide the fact that he was giggling madly as Antonio spun him around once more.

"S-stop! You're gonna trip over something!" Lovino said breathlessly and slapped Antonio's arm repeatedly.

Antonio was still laughing as he set Lovino down, his breath a bit more labored and a big grin on his face. "Sorry, sorry." He apologized and placed a quick kiss on the corner of Lovino's mouth. "I just love you so, so much." He then nuzzled into Lovino's neck and sighed happily.

"Y-you idiot… Neither of us brushed our teeth..." Lovino mumbled as he raised a hand to card his fingers through Antonio's curly hair. "And we haven't showered."

A soft chuckle on his neck made Lovino shiver, and Antonio pulled away to look over the food once more. "Whatever you say. But I, for one, don't mind that. I just like kissing you."

Lovino rolled his eyes and took out two plates, handing one to Antonio. "Yeah well, I mind." He stated and began putting the food onto his plate. He could feel Antonio watching him with delighted eyes in his peripheral vision. Lovino couldn't blame him. Now that they lived together, it allowed them much more time to simply sit down and talk, which was always nice.

Once they both had their food, they sat down on the futon and Antonio put on a cheesy Spanish soap opera to watch as they ate and talked.

"...I still want to apologize to Feli..." Lovino murmured as he cut a piece of the egg off and stabbed it with a fork. "I couldn't sleep last night because of it."

Antonio paused at the confession, staring at Lovino with sad eyes. "Feli probably regrets what he said to you anyway. And don't worry too much. Ludwig signed the papers so they can actually stay in the dorms tonight. They stayed in a hotel room together anyway." He said carelessly as he stuffed his mouth with the pancakes Lovino had prepared.

Lovino cringed at the thought. "Jesus fucki- I don't want to hear about that."

Antonio chuckled and scooted closer so that their legs could tangle. Early morning sunlight filtered in through the makeshift curtains that Lovino had put up last night, and if Antonio really listened hard, he could hear birds chirping outside. They had only a couple of free days left before their classes started, and he wanted to make the most of it. "Aw Lovi, I don't think you have to worry. Not about Feli, anyway~" He cooed and began peppering kisses along the Italian's jawline.

"I-I'm trying to e-eat…!" Lovino cried and weakly tried to shove the Spaniard back.

A knock sounded at the door and both occupants of the apartment froze in place. "Ve...L-Lovi! Toni? Are you guys home?"

Lovino recognized that voice from anywhere. He glanced at Antonio nervously, and after getting an encouraging nod, stood up to let his brother in.

Lovino was immediately enveloped in a tight hug and he staggered back from the force of it. "Oh, Lovi! Luddy and I talked a lot about it, and it doesn't matter! I'm sorry, I didn't want to force you into anything!" He wailed and tightened his grip.

"Ow! Ow ow ow-" Lovino winced as his little brother squeezed his sides harder.

"Whoa, there..." Antonio said nervously as he gently pried Feliciano off of Lovino. He was admittedly pretty rough with him earlier, it wouldn't do him any good to continue being handled so carelessly. He remembered a few months ago when Romulus had taken Lovino to the hospital because his leg was hurting. Lovino had shrugged it off as best he could, saying that it was because of the way he had landed when he and Feliciano were walking together, and he had jumped from a rather large rock.

But the doctor had told them that Lovino's bones had deteriorated so much, that they were nearly brittle and could break with even the slightest strain. It made Antonio especially sad, because now Lovino had to be careful with himself and he just knew how much he regretted everything that had happened.

"Luddy wanted to go dorm shopping today, so I was wondering if you two wanted to come with us!" Feliciano squealed, inching closer to Lovino and wrapping his arms around him.

Lovino shifted uncomfortably when he and Ludwig's eyes met. "You could've texted or called… Antonio and I aren't even ready..." He grumbled and tried to push Feliciano off of him.

"I know, but I wanted to see you!" Feliciano whined and refused to let go of Lovino.

"I'll hop in the shower first." Antonio said happily as he stood up to go into the restroom. He made sure to subtly brush his hand against Lovino and was pleased when the Italian blushed furiously at the small gesture.

"Lovi? Are you feeling okay? Your face is red." Feliciano pointed out and placed the back of his palm to Lovino's cheek.

"I-I'm fine!" He smacked his brother's hand away and picked up their empty plates to set them in the sink. "Why are you asking me and Antonio to come with you anyway? Why don't you ask _his_ brother?" Lovino pointed at Ludwig, who had taken a keen interest in one of Antonio's boxes full of DVD's.

"B-but…! I want you to coooome!" Feliciano cried and tugged on the hem of Lovino's shirt.

Having a whiny, younger brother was so exhausting. Lovino sighed and dropped the plates into the sink with a loud clang. "Fine. Antonio's already in the shower anyway..."

Feliciano cheered and joined Ludwig in looking through the DVD's, while Lovino went into the bedroom to pick out clothes to wear. It was odd to him. He's had to keep buying new sets of clothes for a while now. Back then, all the clothes that used to fit him were big and hung on him loosely. He had to buy smaller clothes for himself. None of them really fit him now, but unlike before, he doesn't mind as much.

Lovino always compared the differences to his state of mind now. Back then, it would have definitely killed him to know that he was gaining weight. It would have disgusted him to know that he was eating normally and he probably would've been downing everything from diet pills to laxatives.

But now he can finally say he was happy. He was happy and comfortable with who he was. It felt good to be free from the eating disorder and he never wanted to go back. He's worked hard to get where he is now, what with relapses occurring every few months.

Antonio's been a great help too. He's the only reason Romulus even let him go to college in the first place. He was very akin to Lovino's mood, which was good because that alone has stopped relapses early. But it's the little acts that Antonio does that Lovino absolutely adores him for. Antonio lets him eat whatever he wants, encourages it, actually, while at the same time suggesting easy foods for Lovino such as salads, soups, and fruits.

He had always tried new ways to prepare certain dishes that Lovino would be comfortable with, and still to this day, he prepares each meal with care. He and Antonio had also taken on the habit of going for walks in the evenings, which was always nice.

"Oh good, the door's closed." Antonio's voice made him jump and drop the folded clothes in his arms. "Don't worry, there's still hot water." He said as he stepped into the room in nothing but a towel around his waist and began searching through the dresser.

Lovino blushed furiously. He'll never get used to Antonio's habit of walking around so comfortably half-naked.

"Lovi? Are you okay?" Antonio stopped just as he had taken out a t-shirt, looking at Lovino with concern.

"Shut up." He mumbled, for lack of anything better to say.

"Aww, don't be like that. Here, c'mere." Before Lovino could protest, Antonio had pulled him into his arms, with his back to his chest. Lovino flailed helplessly, his face feeling hot when Antonio's arms wound tight around his waist.

"Y-you bastard-! Let me go!" He shrieked and tried to wriggle out of the embrace.

"Noooope~ You're mine now." Antonio said cheerfully and began placing playful kisses on the back of Lovino's neck.

"St-op!" Lovino yelped, but it soon turned into laughter. "You idio- You're hair's still wet!" He said between small giggles. "You're gonna catch a cold!"

Antonio sighed jokingly, his hands wandering to his sides where he knew Lovino was ticklish. "Such is the price I must pay to embrace you like this~" He said in a ridiculous voice.

Lovino erupted into a new fit of giggles when Antonio began tickling him, and he tried desperately to wriggle out from his grasp. "No! Sto-" He tried to protest, but couldn't help laughing through it.

"Lovi? Are you okay?" Feliciano knocked on the door and Lovino finally gathered the strength to push Antonio away from him.

He was still grinning brightly when he scooted away from the Spaniard and cleared his throat to answer. "Y-yeah, I'm fine."

"O-okay. I just heard you...laughing. And well, that doesn't happen every day. What's happening?" Feliciano asked curiously from the other side of the door.

Antonio slipped on the shirt and was digging around in one of the drawers for underwear and pants when he answered. "Your brother is extremely ticklish." He said with a big smile.

They could hear Feliciano giggle happily. "Oh! You two are adorable~" With that, his footsteps were heard as he walked away to join Ludwig in sitting on the futon to wait for them.

There was a comfortable silence between them as Lovino decided on the clothes he would wear for the day, and as Antonio dropped the towel to put on the clothes he had found. He was just buckling his belt when Lovino stood up to get in the shower.

"He is right, y'know." Antonio told him. Lovino turned and raised a brow in confusion. " You don't laugh everyday, and I think that needs to change. You're so cute when you smile." He cooed as he used the towel to dry his messy, curly hair.

Lovino rolled his eyes and resumed making his way to the bathroom. "That probably will change. I have you with me, after all." He said simply, before closing the bathroom door behind him.

Antonio's smile grew and he carded his fingers threw his slightly damp hair before opening the bedroom door to join Feliciano and Ludwig outside.

"I've never heard Lovi laugh like that before!" Feliciano immediately said as Antonio kneeled down to look for his wallet underneath the small shelf they had placed beside the TV.

Antonio said nothing, not wanted to admit that he had heard Lovino's wonderful laugh on many occasions. He finally retrieved his wallet and stuffed it into his pocket. When he turned to face the two, it was to see their satisfied, even happy faces. "What is it?" He asked, looking between the two.

Feliciano beamed and looked behind him to check to see if his brother was still in the shower. Other than the Spanish soap opera still playing on the TV, only the shower could be heard. Feliciano then turned and leaned close to whisper to Antonio excitedly. "When are you getting hitched?" He asked suddenly with a grin.

Antonio's reaction was immediate. The idea of marrying Lovino was still so overwhelming that he couldn't help but stutter and blush. "N-not anytime soon..." He managed to say.

Feliciano frowned and checked behind him once more for his brother. "I think you two are perfect for each other." He whispered happily.

Surprisingly, Ludwig leaned in to speak his mind as well. "I admit it sounds a little absurd, what with barely getting out of high school and all..." He grunted to clear his throat before continuing. "But Feli wanted to do something together, like they always have."

Antonio blinked in confusion. "What?" He asked cluelessly.

Feliciano's cheeks turned pink and he leaned on Ludwig's broad shoulder. "We're engaged." He admitted shyly.

Antonio's eyes widened and his mouth broke into a grin. "Congratulations!" He exclaimed enthusiastically.

Feliciano made a sound of glee and wrapped his arms as best he could around Ludwig. "Of course, we didn't do the whole ring thing yet. But that doesn't matter to me. I'm just happy to know how much Luddy wants to be with me."

Ludwig smiled slightly and placed a hand over one of Feliciano's. "We don't know if our families will approve, so please keep it a secret for a while longer." He told Antonio politely.

Antonio nodded and opened his mouth to ask, but Feliciano beat him to the question.

"Especially Lovi! He can't know yet!"

"But-" He began and heard Lovino getting out of the shower, so he returned to whispering. "But...He's your brother… Isn't it strange to tell me, but not him?"

Feliciano smiled sadly and nodded. "I really want to, trust me… But he gets so hyped up every time I bring up my relationship with Luddy." He mumbled and looked down.

Antonio opened his mouth to say something, but Lovino entered the room. His hair was wet and sticking to his face and the towel was draped around his shoulders. He wore a dark green shirt and black jeans. Antonio couldn't help but stare.

As they normally do, Lovino pulled the towel from his shoulders and plopped down in front of Antonio, holding the towel out for him to take. Antonio took it happily and began drying Lovino's hair for him, using gentle motions and basically massaging his scalp.

"So for our first stop, I was thinking a craft store. I found some really cute DIY's that I want to try." Feliciano chirped. "They also have a mall downtown."

Ludwig took out his phone and it took him a moment to add to Feliciano's plans. "Remember, we're on a budget. We need to buy some sort of storage bins, clothing hangers, and any kind of snacks, if you want some… though knowing you, it'll be nearly all junk food..." He mumbled in amusement.

Feliciano giggled and leaned closer to look at the phone. "I'm sure we'll be okay..."

"There, all done~" Antonio said as he stood up with the towel. Lovino's hair was bushy, stray strands sticking out at odd places and some stuck in a knot.

He mumbled an embarrassed thanks and unfurled himself from his comfortable position on the floor to retrieve his hair brush from the bedroom.

It was as he finished brushing and was making his way into the bathroom to brush his teeth that Antonio joined him. They each put a decent amount of toothpaste onto the toothbrush and began brushing in a comfortable silence, sharing loving glances and shy smiles. Lovino thought it was a little strange for Antonio to be acting so shy, but didn't bother to comment on it.

Antonio, on the other hand, was still thinking about what Feliciano had said earlier. He was happy for them, but was also a little disappointed in himself that he was still too scared to rush things. It was obvious that Lovino wouldn't mind a proposal. In fact, Antonio had no doubt that Lovino would say yes.

"Ugh. Stop looking at me like that, bastard." Lovino growled and lightly elbowed Antonio's side, effectively bringing him out from his thoughts. He hadn't even noticed that he had finished brushing his teeth!

Antonio replied immediately though, his smile quickly morphing into a grin. "I can't help it. You look so lovely today. You always do."

Lovino blushed and turned to walk briskly out of the bathroom. "I-idiot..." He mumbled and returned to the living room where Feliciano and Ludwig were still waiting.

"Let's go." He said as he grabbed his wallet and phone, stuffing both into his back pockets and handing Antonio his car keys.

Feliciano jumped up in excitement, practically skipping out the door. "Yay! Craft store!" He exclaimed.

The other three followed him, Lovino watching and getting tired just by his brother's energy.

He jumped when a warm hand took hold of one of his and he turned to see Antonio smiling at him fondly. He frowned, but tightened his hold on the Spaniard's hand and continued walking.

The sun was bright, but a nice wind cooled the air. It was a perfect day to be outside. It wasn't long until Feliciano was stuck to the German man's side. Lovino's thought it once before, but Ludwig was really ripped. Antonio had muscle on him too, of course, but he also had a much smaller frame. Not to mention how dark Antonio was compared to Ludwig. He looked down at their intertwined hands and fought the smile that wanted to surface at the fact that he and Antonio's skin tones nearly matched.

They walked further down the street and came to a cluster of small shops. Feliciano used his phone to locate a craft store nearby and when they finally arrived, the four went their separate ways. It was a small shop, but was filled with quite a few people.

Antonio led them through the aisles and they came to a home décor section. "Don't you think this would be perfect for us?" He laughed as he held up the sign that was supposed to be hung on the front door. It read: _'The Lover's Nest.'_

Lovino rolled his eyes and walked further ahead to look through other decorations, ones that weren't so ridiculous. He stepped into the next aisle and Antonio caught up to him to let him know that he was going to the bathroom.

Now that he was alone, Lovino silently walked through the aisles, looking at different household items and imagining them in their shared apartment. He and Antonio weren't rich, and Antonio had worked all summer to earn enough money to easily afford an apartment for the next two months. He honestly wondered how he had done it all. He shuffled working on the garden his mysterious father forced him to tend to, made sure to sign up for classes, worked at the local gas station and diner, and was there for Lovino whenever he needed him.

"Hey sweetie!"

Lovino whipped his head around at the sound of the voice. It was nothing like Antonio's and he had heard it come from directly behind him. His eyes widened when he came face to face with a tall, burly man, who looked to be a little older than himself.

The man was grinning, and Lovino shifted uncomfortably at the gaze the man gave him. He forced himself to put on a brave front, though, and scowled. "Who the hell are you?" He demanded, crossing his arms stubbornly.

Instead of the insulted reaction he had anticipated, the man's smile widened further, and he held his hand out for Lovino to shake. "My name's Sadik. Sadik Adnan." He introduced himself.

Lovino backed away from the man. "Alright…" He mumbled. The two stared at each other for a few more moments, before Lovino finally decided to turn and walk briskly away.

He was stopped when Sadik grabbed his wrist. "Wait! I wanted to ask you for a very big favor!" He said in an almost desperate tone.

Lovino ripped his hand away, glaring at the man and rubbing his wrist. "I don't even know you!" He nearly shouted.

Sadik hushed him and leaned close to whisper, "I'm in a bind right now, I go to the local college and am kinda low on funds..." Lovino opened his mouth, looking indignant, but Sadik rushed to continue. "No! I'm not asking for money. There's a couples discount on snacks for movie night or something... and, well… Could you maybe… pretend?" He asked hopefully.

Lovino's scowl deepened and he crossed his arms once more. "Pretend what?" He demanded.

"P-pretend to… be dating me, or something..." Sadik explained nervously. "It won't be any trouble, and I'd be so grateful!" He pleaded. When he was met with Lovino's cold glare, he sighed heavily and his shoulders drooped. "...I'm very serious… I just paid the deposit… Until next week I'm broke. I'm trying to save what little money I have for food, but some popcorn and chocolate would be a nice treat for tonight…" He said sadly, turning to walk away. "I understand though. Sorry to bother you."

Lovino rolled his eyes and sighed loudly in annoyance. "Wait! Fine, I'll help you." He grumbled and walked up to the man. "But… can it wait a second? I'd rather not shock or confuse my _real_ boyfriend..."

Sadik nodded and the two waited. Lovino wanted to say as little to Sadik as possible, but the man just wouldn't shut up!

"Yeah, I'm from Istanbul, Turkey. I'm in a foreign exchange program and haven't had a tour of the campus yet. I can tell you're a college student as well, do you know the campus? We should try and find our classes together! By the way, I never got your name, you kinda look European… maybe Spanish?"

"Oh my fucking god, shut up!" Lovino snapped, tapping his foot on the floor impatiently.

"What's going on?" Antonio appeared. He looked from Lovino, to Sadik and his eyebrows furrowed slightly.

"A-Antonio..." Lovino began, quickly moving further away from Sadik.

Sadik smiled politely, straightening to his full height. He was about a head taller than Antonio, and Lovino frowned deeply as he watched the exchange. "You must be the 'real' boyfriend. My name's Sadik." He greeted and took Antonio's hand to shake.

Antonio's expression was unreadable, but he greeted Sadik with the same politeness. "My name's Antonio… Whoa are you, exactly?"

"He's a stranger, and he's poor as fuck." Lovino mumbled from the side.

"Lovi!" Antonio scolded, looking apologetically to the taller man.

Sadik waved him off, laughing softly. "No, no… He's right. There's a couples discount for a movie night event and I paid my deposit thus leaving me low on funds. I asked… Lovi here to help me, but he insisted on waiting for you." He explained calmly.

Antonio caught on immediately, and he couldn't help the flicker of possessiveness at what Sadik wanted Lovino for. He fought off the frown that wanted to surface and instead masked his anger with a strained smile. "If it's all right with you, Sadik..." He said lightly. Lovino's eyes widened when he recognized the cold tone. "I'll be more than happy to help you instead."

Sadik looked puzzled for a split second, but quickly resumed his calm expression. "I'd be so grateful." He said simply.

Lovino watched, stunned, as the two of them made their way to the counter to purchase Sadik's desired items. He didn't even know how he was supposed to feel. There were times when Antonio could get cold and a little intimidating… It wasn't often, but Lovino's seen it enough times to know how angry he truly was just now.

He watched from afar as Sadik took his food, thanked Antonio, then turned to leave. Lovino frowned when Sadik took one last glance back at him, a small smirk gracing his features.

"Let's find Feli and Ludwig." Antonio murmured as he returned to Lovino's side, his hand taking Lovino's and squeezing none too gently.

"O-okay..." he said, unsure. He didn't attempt to pull his hand away, let alone speak. He knew he wasn't afraid of Antonio, since there had never been an instance where the Spaniard had directed that anger toward him. He also knew for a fact that Antonio would never hurt him intentionally.

He tightened his hold on Antonio's hand, having no clue of what had just happened, but hoping the gesture would calm him down all the same.


	3. Chapter 3

Wow, so a lot has happened since I last updated! For one, I went to a SPN con and met the actors. (Jared was my favorite, I cried when I met him guys) I also got into KPOP and my favorite group is BTS. Lots of ships there, so I might make fanfics for them sometime. I also went to TATINOF in Denver and got to sit front row! It was amazing guys, Dan and Phil were so close!

As for my eating habits, I'm getting a little better, thanks to the help of my friend.

I've been taking tons of diet pills and laxatives and walking lots, all while eating once a day, if even that. But lately I've stopped taking the pills and laxatives. So that's kinda a start. My next goal is to stop vomiting everything I eat when I do work up the courage to. I might be getting professional help as well.

But please don't worry too much about my health. I am at a healthy weight, even if it is declining. This story has actually helped me a lot, and continues to do so. Especially all of your support! Enough about me though. After a long wait, I'll let you get right to the 3rd chapter. I hope you like it, even if it is a bit choppy. I promise the next will be better. Happy reading!

* * *

Chapter 3. _"Just because you took longer than others,_

 _doesn't mean you failed."_

* * *

The rest of the shopping went fairly well. Antonio and Lovino bought a few more things for their apartment, a door mat being one of them. Feliciano and Ludwig procured the last of their dorm supplies and Feliciano's DIY crafts.

This time Lovino was able to rest easy, knowing his brother was staying in a dorm room instead of a sleazy hotel. He knew the dorm was a two-bedroom, so that was another reason to be relieved.

The four of them ate dinner at a local pizza place before going their separate ways. Lovino grimaced when, as they were bidding each other goodbye, Ludwig wrapped an arm around Feliciano's shoulders. Antonio had simply ogled over how cute they were, before intertwining their fingers as they headed back to their apartment, not caring that the Italian threw a fit the entire way back.

"Classes start tomorrow." Antonio mentioned. He was staring at the calendar that was hung on the wall in the kitchen. Soft, easy Spanish music flowed from the radio while Lovino cooked his grandfather's recipe for ravioli.

"Yeah, so we better not stay up too late." Lovino said distractedly as he used the wooden spoon to scoop up some of the sauce and blow on it to cool it. He then held the spoon up to Antonio's lips. "Taste tester."

Antonio laughed and leaned forward to take a sip of the sauce. The sauce practically melted on his tongue and he hummed at the taste of it. "It's really good, Lovi!" He complimented and licked his lips to emphasize his point.

Lovino shrugged, but the small smile that appeared on his lips told Antonio that the compliment was appreciated. It was much easier to flatter Lovino now. Before, Lovino would deny any sort of compliment thrown at him. Antonio smiled at the fact that Lovino's confidence had improved tremendously.

"...So about earlier..." Lovino began nervously.

"Ah… I was wondering when this was going to come up." Antonio nodded and hoisted himself onto the countertop. Lovino frowned slightly at the Spaniards habit. He had learned that Antonio liked to watch others cook whenever he wasn't the one cooking. Moreover, he had the habit of sitting on the countertop and swinging his legs back and forth like a child.

"...Yeah. Anything you'd like to say about it?" Lovino carefully said. He remembered Antonio's mood earlier that day and a cold shiver ran up his spine.

"Hmm… He was a strange man." Antonio smiled gently. A glare from Lovino shut him up immediately.

Lovino turned the stove off and moved between Antonio's legs, wrapping his arms around Antonio's waist. "Hey… you idiot, you know that's not what I meant." Lovino lightly scolded as he looked up at the Spaniard.

Antonio's lips once again quirked into a smile and he pushed Lovino's bangs behind his ear. "I know. It's just… It's difficult for me to explain. I just didn't like him. I had the strangest feeling he was interested in you." He answered honestly.

Lovino pursed his lips together in confusion. Why would anyone be after him? "You're such a moron..." He grumbled and moved to get away from Antonio and back to the stove.

"Aww, I'm being serious here, Lovi!" Antonio whined and tried trapping Lovino with his legs. His attempts were thwarted when Lovino elbowed him in the side and quickly slipped away.

"Shut up! Why would he even-"

"Because it's you, Lovi." Antonio answered immediately, his gaze locked onto Lovino's. "You are very beautiful, despite what you sometimes might think." He said calmly and beckoned Lovino over to him once more. "I can tell he was interested by the way he looked at you."

Lovino shifted uncomfortably, barely concentrating on what he was doing. "T-that is…" He started, but found that he couldn't think of anything else to say. "...S-so… you were…um..."

"Jealous? Definitely." Antonio finished for him simply. "C'mere Lovi." He pulled Lovino closer as the Italian shuffled toward him, trapping him between his legs again. He cradled his face in his hands and smiled warmly as Lovino's eyes widened. "Were you scared?" He asked softly.

Lovino shivered at the feel of Antonio's gentle hands and the calm, adoring look he was currently giving him. Yet he continued to meet Antonio's gaze, determined to not turn away. "...N-no…" He mumbled.

Antonio's smile widened and he swiped his thumb over Lovino's cheek, feeling the smooth skin there. "Good. I was worried I had frightened you."

"Well, you didn't. I'll never be scared of you, Antonio." Lovino's cheeks reddened and he finally averted his eyes, instead focusing on Antonio's shirt. "...Y-you should know that..." He confessed.

Antonio nodded and tilted Lovino's head up so that he could place a loving kiss on his lips. "Ah… I love you so much..." He sighed happily and intertwined their fingers together.

Lovino nodded. He wanted to ask for another kiss, to talk more, to be held more. But he was always too shy to actually admit anything. Silently, he leaned forward and buried his face in Antonio's chest. He could feel Antonio's fingers slip from his, only to have arms wrapped fully around him and a kiss placed atop his head.

"…I love you t-too..." Lovino mumbled into Antonio's shirt.

They stayed that way, listening to the quiet sizzle of the food cooking and the distant sound of the tv on a few feet away. Lovino had closed his eyes, allowing Antonio to completely envelope him. He could hear his heartbeat and warmth practically radiating off of him.

"...The foods going to burn..." Lovino said into Antonio's chest, his voice muffled.

"Ah, I don't want to let you go yet..." Antonio chuckled softly, then loosened his hold on the Italian, allowing him to move to the stove and stir the food. He remembered the feeling of Lovino in his arms a while ago. It was different than how it felt now. Before, he was afraid to hold too tightly, because it felt like Lovino would collapse with the slightest amount of force. There used to be no warmth from Lovino. His arms were always cold and he just seemed so...frail.

He watched as Lovino took out two plates and silverware and began putting the food onto them. Lovino didn't look ill anymore. It felt right to hold him close. A smile spread across his face as Lovino closed the short distance between them and handed him a plate of ravioli. "W-what's that look for…?" Lovino's brow furrowed and he narrowed his eyes suspiciously at the Spaniard.

"I was just thinking of how how much I love you." Antonio proudly said, taking the plate and attempting to slide off the countertop. "Do you want to eat on the futon, or…?"

Lovino glanced from Antonio to the futon a few feet away. "If we do, I feel like we'll just ignore each other because of some stupid show."

Antonio blinked, having not expected that answer. "Oh? Then what would you like to do, my love?" He asked curiously, halting his movements so he was on the very edge of the countertop.

Lovino hummed in thought, staring at his plate of food. "...C-can we...just sit on the counter and...talk?" He asked with a note of uncertainty. A faint blush appeared on his face and we busied his flustered hands with moving the pasta around on his plate.

Of course, Antonio thought the action was adorable. A wide grin spread across his face and he nodded enthusiastically. "Of course!" He held his arms out to Lovino, to help him onto the counter.

The Italian glared at the action and pushed Antonio's arms away as he hoisted himself onto the countertop. Antonio chuckled at the cute display. The apartment was quiet, but neither occupant minded too much. In fact, Antonio sort of relished in these moments. It gave him a chance to really talk with Lovino.

"Five."

Antonio paused just as he was about to put the forkful into his mouth, staring in surprise at Lovino. "Five?"

Lovino shifted and poked at the plate of food. "...It's been about five months...since I last relapsed..." He mumbled.

Antonio smiled and nodded in understanding. "Ah, yes, it has, hasn't it? You've come so far, my love." Their gazes met and Lovino immediately shied away at the warm smile Antonio was giving him. "I'm so proud of you, Lovi."

"Y-yeah..." Lovino responded lamely, finally stabbing the food and putting it in his mouth. "It feels nice, Before, I felt like I didn't want to recover. But now, I want nothing more. I feel happier." He said honestly as he chewed.

"I can see it too. You definitely look happier than before. I like it." Antonio said softly.

There was a comfortable silence in which neither party said anything. The sounds of chewing and silverware clanging echoing throughout the apartment. Antonio noted how cute Lovino looked. His face was serious, but there was a laid back and easy-going expression in his eyes. His feet were dangling over the countertop and every so often he would steal a small glance at Antonio.

"...A-are you happy?" Lovino tried to make it sound casual, but instead it came out sounding unsure and insecure. He cringed as Antonio's face morphed into one of exasperation and frustration and he placed the plate of food down rather harshly.

"Lovi, why on earth would you even-" He began, but Lovino quickly jumped off the counter, deciding that it was better to retreat from the situation. Of course, Antonio followed his lead and jumped off, trapping Lovino in the corner of the kitchen. "Please, why would you think that I wasn't happy?" Antonio repeated himself, searching Lovino's face for an answer.

Lovino quickly looked away and bit his lip. "...I… um… It's just… Ever since I've met you, you've always seemed happy. You haven't changed at all. So… I was just wondering how you felt..."

Antonio hummed in understanding, feeling relieved that Lovino wasn't questioning their relationship entirely, as he had done in the past. He took Lovino's plate from him, setting it down on the counter behind him. "I can show you how happy I am right now, you know?"

Lovino held his breath as Antonio's lips lightly brushed against his, and his eyes fluttered shut. "A-Antonio..." He murmured, just as Antonio connected their lips.

This kiss was different from every other kiss he's ever received from the Spaniard, for many reasons. The one that stood out most was the fact that Antonio's hands rested on the curve of his back, then slowly began traveling lower and lower…

"MPH-!" Lovino gasped and immediately pushed a giggling Antonio away. "What the fuck was that!?" He cried as he wiped his lips furiously. His face was a bright red that ran up to his ears and his heart was pounding in his chest.

"I was showing you how happy I am!" Antonio grinned cheekily and moved closer once more. "...Ah, but I was thinking…" He started hesitantly. Lovino noted the traces of awkwardness in his voice and expressions. "...We've been dating for a while now..."

Oh.

Oh no.

Lovino thought he couldn't blush any harder.

"S-so, don't you think… our relationship could stand to go a step further?" Antonio finished, even his face was steadily beginning to redden.

Honestly, Lovino was speechless. He could feel how his mouth opened and closed repeatedly, how he wanted to say something, anything, but his throat felt dry and his face was on fire. Antonio's shy stares were definitely not helping.

"...Do you know what I meant?" He questioned.

Again, Lovino was silent, capable of doing nothing except for stare at the Spaniard before him.

"I mean that if you're comfortable with it, maybe we could..."

"NO, DON'T SAY IT OH MY GOD." Lovino screeched, now fully shoving Antonio off of him and dashing toward their bedroom, slamming the door shut behind him.

Once he was safely away from Antonio, he could think of nothing to do than jump into the bed and hide his burning face in the blankets. His heart was beating so rapidly, he could hear his ears pounding with it. He heard the shuffling of footsteps from behind the bedroom door and his fists clenched in the blankets.

"Lovi? Um… for the record… We're not… fighting, are we?" Antonio asked cluelessly from the other side. He didn't bother to try and get inside and Lovino respected that. He didn't think to lock the door anyway.

"O-o-of course not, you idiot…!" Lovino growled, his voice muffled.

He could immediately hear the relieved sigh from Antonio. "Ah, I thought as much. I'm sorry I brought up such an intimate topic. I know how embarrassing it can be." Lovino's hands relaxed and the tension left his shoulders. Antonio continued, "...But I want you to know how much I love you, Lovi. I love you so, so, very much." He waited a second, probably expecting Lovino to make a retort.

However, when none came, Antonio chuckled softly and the door creaked open. "...Actually, there is a reason why I want our relationship to take that one step further." Lovino refused to look at the Spaniard, even as he felt the bed dip beside him and a warm body snuggle up to him. "...There's a reason, but I have absolutely no way of explaining it. It's something I feel I can show only to you."

At that, Lovino shyly turned to face Antonio, slowly bringing his arms up to lazily wrap around his waist. "...R-really now…?" Lovino forced himself to ask, curiosity causing him to forget about his embarrassment.

Antonio nodded vigorously. "But I can't put it into words. I don't think I can ever."

There was a moments silence where Lovino desperately tried to decipher what Antonio meant by that. But no matter how many thoughts swirled in his head, he couldn't think of one appropriate enough for the situation. Antonio wasn't one to give such vague explanations for things as important as this. Either way, a part of Lovino was a little irked at the fact that Antonio was only willing to share such an important part of him, if only they furthered their relationship.

"So basically it's a 'Have sex with me if you want to know this about me' kinda thing?" Lovino grumbled bluntly and Antonio's jaw dropped.

"No! Of course not!" Antonio half laughed, half shouted in exasperation. "I would never… It's much more than that, Lovino!"

Lovino sighed, still not understanding the situation. His nerves had calmed down, however, and he faced Antonio with a stern expression. "If you can't give me a good explanation, then I can't take you seriously." He stated.

Antonio's lips quirked in amusement, and he nodded obediently. "That makes sense. Okay, I'll think of a way to put it and you can think about what I said earlier. Agreed?" He grinned and held out his pinky finger.

Lovino made a face and reluctantly held his hand out, intertwining his finger with Antonio's. "Fine, whatever..."

"...Now that we got that out of the way, can we go back to making out?" Antonio asked hopefully.

"In your fucking dreams." Lovino answered with a blush.

"…...Then can we maybe finish the delicious ravioli you prepared earlier and take a nap afterwards?"

"By the time we finish, we should be getting to bed for tomorrow, idiot." Lovino mumbled.

Antonio didn't seem to mind the attitude, and only chuckled. "Ah, even better. I'm sleepy and I want to just lay here and hold you."

Lovino didn't think he could love anyone more than he loved Antonio in that moment.


	4. Chapter 4

I want to apologize for being away for so long, but I think I've done that enough lol. Just know that I don't intend to leave this story incomplete. I will finish it, even if it takes a while.

With that being said, I finally finished the fourth chapter! Go me! I'm once again back in school and might even be going to Japan in the spring, so that'll be exciting!

I'm sure you guys are wondering if Antonio and Lovi will be "Taking their relationship to the next step" in this story, right? It's still so early, but I'm thinking of changing rating on this fic. Plus, to ask you guys if you're fine if I write smut in such a sweet fanfic like this one?

So it is a school night, I'm sleepy and it's almost midnight. I didn't really edit this, so if there are mistakes, I'll fix them later. But please, I hope you enjoy reading and feel free to drop a review or something. I'll work hard to get the next chapter out, I feel bad for always making you guys wait!

* * *

Chapter 4. _"I understood myself, after I destroyed myself._

 _And only in the process of fixing myself,_

 _did I know who I really was.  
_

* * *

Early morning sunlight filtered in through the blinds, causing Lovino to stir in Antonio's arms. His eyes fluttered open and he took a moment to appreciate the warmth of being completely enveloped by the Spaniard.

Antonio was really good looking. Lovino had always thought so. Even now, when he was sleeping peacefully beside him. His breaths were soft and Lovino sighed as he lightly nuzzled closer. He wished that today wasn't their first day of classes. He wanted to just lay in bed with Antonio for the entire day.

Groaning, he pulled away from the warmth and slid out of the bed. Antonio stirred and yawned as he rolled over to his side. Lovino harrumphed at the action and made his way to the dresser. He decided on a white sweater and black jeans and yawned as he walked over to the bathroom to shower.

"Loviiiiii~" Antonio whined sleepily from the bed, lazily beckoning him over.

"We have to get ready, idiot." Lovino simply said from the doorway. "Just… go back to sleep or whatever." With that he closed the door and left the Spaniard alone.

Lovino stripped naked and turned the shower on. As he waited for the water to heat up a little, his eyes wandered to the mirror over the sink. There was no ribcage showing anymore. His stomach didn't curve inwards as it had once done. He frowned slightly as he thought about he and Antonio's conversation last night…. Would he still find Lovino attractive?

He quickly shook those thoughts away. Antonio never liked it when he talked that way. He tested the water out with the back of his hand and once he deemed it warm enough, he climbed in and let the water slowly wake him up from his drowsy state.

In the other room Antonio sulked and slid further into the blanket. Well, what fun was sleeping if he couldn't cuddle up to Lovino? He sighed and rolled out of bed, his knees hitting the floor as he sluggishly crawled across the room to the dresser. He pulled out fresh clothes, then made his way into the kitchen. There was no way Lovino was going to class hungry.

He pulled out a pan and took two eggs out from the fridge. Antonio knew he had always had a lot of habits when it came to cooking. One of them was humming any tune that came to mind. He toasted two slices of bread and swayed to the song he was currently humming.

He heard the bathroom door opening and closing and footsteps crossing the room, but he didn't react. He found that if Lovino didn't get proper attention, he'd find a way to demand it from Antonio. It was very amusing to do from time to time.

"What are you making?" Lovino asked and stood beside him. He had the towel draped over his head and Antonio made a soft titter of acknowledgement as he transferred one of the eggs onto the bread slices.

"An egg sandwich. Breakfast is important." He said proudly and held it out for him to take.

Lovino rolled his eyes but took the sandwich nonetheless. He held it up to his lips and nibbled on some of the egg, his eyes never leaving Antonio's.

"...Aren't you nervous?"

Antonio took the toast from the toaster and placed the egg on it as he had done with Lovino's. "About classes? To be honest, I've been so focused on you, I didn't really think about it until now." Antonio admitted sheepishly.

Lovino blushed and finally took a bite of the sandwich. "Understandable." He mumbled, his heart fluttering when Antonio laughed.

"I'm glad it is~" Antonio nodded and set his sandwich down so he could take a hold of the towel and gently dry Lovino's hair. He was careful to avoid that one wayward curl, and Lovino relaxed into the touch, silently eating as Antonio worked.

"You look beautiful, my love." Antonio said honestly once he was finished. He picked the sandwich back up and leaned back onto the counter to appreciate his work.

Lovino rolled his eyes. "It's too early for your fucking seductive charms."

Antonio's smile widened in amusement. "You think it's seductive?"

"Get in the shower already, idiot."

Antonio laughed as he leaned forward to place a wet kiss on Lovino's cheek, who made a disgruntled face at the action and wiped vigorously at his face. "Okay. You're too cute." He sighed happily and finished his sandwich before beginning to pull his shirt off.

"Wha- DON'T DO THAT HERE!" Lovino screeched and pushed the Spaniard toward the bedroom. "S-stupid perverted…"

"But you've seen me without my shirt, Lovi!" Antonio whined, pulling the bottom of the shirt up to expose his exceptionally toned stomach. He wasn't even one to work out much. How the hell did he stay so fit!?

A fierce blush marred Lovino's face and he immediately pulled away. "I-I know, but… you bastard, don't you even remember what you said last night?"

Antonio tilted his head and blinked. "About wanting to sleep with you?"

"URGH!" Lovino's hands flew up to his ears and he began walking away in embarrassment. "Let's just drop it, it's too early for this shit-"

"Because what I said was true. I don't care how you look, Lovi. I just want to be able to love you properly." Antonio spoke over Lovino, who paused mid-step. "And… I hope you won't care either. I hope you'll accept me, because I love you so much."

Lovino's face was burning, he could feel the blush running up to his ears and down his neck. His heart was pounding in his chest and his throat felt dry. "...Of course I won't care..." He murmured breathlessly. He turned to face Antonio, who was grinning and beckoning him to come closer.

Antonio's arms wound themselves around his waist and he leaned down to rest his chin on his shoulder. "Oh, Lovi. I love you so much. I hope you always know that." He sighed.

"Y-yeah… I know…. I l-love you too, Antonio..." He fumbled over his words, his voice muffled thanks to Antonio.

"Ah, I better hurry, we only have twenty minutes." Antonio suddenly said as he pulled away. He let his thumb brush over Lovino's eyelashes lightly, smiling at how the smaller frowned and squinted his eye. He placed a few more kisses, as much that were allowed, before deciding he really should be getting ready. It would be bad if he were late for his first class.

After hearing the bathroom door close and the shower turn on, Lovino let out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding. He retrieved his phone from their bedroom and began formulating a text. Within minutes, he pressed send and bit his lip as he waited for a reply.

 _'Antonio wants to sleep with me.'_

He didn't expect an answer straight away, so when his phone buzzed numerous times, he jumped, his eyes widening as he opened them.

Al: _'HOLY SHIT ARE YOU SERIOUS!?'_

Al _: 'THIS IS FUCKING HUGE, YOU KNOW?_

Al _: 'I DON'T EVEN THINK YOUR DIRTY AF BROTHER HAS DONE THE DEED WITH LUDWIG!'_

Lovino's face contorted in disgust, and he quickly typed back a response.

Lovi: _'Ew. Why are you even saying that shit? I don't want to think of that'_

He heard the shower being turned off and tapped his foot impatiently on the floor as he waited for Alfred's answer. He felt a bit bad that Alfred was the person he went to during these situations, instead of his own brother. But Alfred knew what sort of mindset he has. He can probably understand Lovino more than anyone….

Other than Antonio.

His phone buzzed once more.

Al: _'Sorry, sorry! This really is big though! What do you think of it?'_

Lovino heard Antonio whistling as the bathroom door opened and he began dressing in their bedroom. With door fucking wide open. Lovino inwardly cringed.

Lovi: ' _To be honest, I don't really know… I'm nervous. But I trust Antonio.'_

"Lovi? Are you done eating?" Antonio called out as he stumbled into the room with a black and red t-shirt and loose jeans. Lovino gulped and quickly stuffed the rest of the sandwich into his mouth before answering.

"Y-yeah..." He mumbled out, hearing his phone buzz.

 _'Awww that's nice. Well, whatever you decide on doing, I'm sure you two will always be together. Wear protection though!'_

Lovino blushed furiously and started texting Alfred back, when Antonio stepped closer and tried to peak over to Lovino's phone's screen. "Who are you texting? Feli?"

Lovino's hands flew up to push Antonio away and he couldn't help but cry an enthusiastic "YES!"

Antonio looked baffled, but he laughed and gently took one of Lovino's hands that was firmly planted on his chest, holding it tightly. "I'm glad you two seem to be getting along much better now." He said happily.

Lovino shoved his phone back into his pocket and hummed in agreement. He felt bad about lying to Antonio, but what could he tell him? That he was texting Alfred, telling him about their plans for maybe becoming more intimate!? God no.

"I have to brush my teeth still." Lovino huffed as Antonio's lips brushed against the corner of his mouth.

"I do too~" Antonio replied easily, teasingly licking Lovino's upper lip.

Lovino immediately scrambled to get away, his face getting hot once more. "You-! You're a lot more comfortable with this sort of thing now…!" Lovino growled as he stomped off toward the bathroom.

Antonio laughed and followed him. "And is that a bad thing?"

"It's a weird thing!" Lovino mumbled angrily.

Antonio couldn't help the wide grin on his face as he and Lovino brushed their teeth together. In all honesty, Antonio was loving this new air they had about them. Lovino was still just as cute as ever, and sometimes Antonio wondered if maybe he was taking things too far, or rushing him…. But Lovino never told him to stop or that he didn't like it, so he decided not to dwell too much on that thought.

When they finished brushing their teeth, Lovino ushered Antonio out of their apartment and the two began their trek up to the school.

Since it was morning, the air was much cooler and the trees blocked whatever early morning sunlight there was. Antonio immediately noticed Lovino shivering.

"Ah, I should've brought a jacket for you." Antonio said as he reached over to wrap his arm around Lovino's slender waist.

Lovino glanced around them, making sure no one was watching before fully relaxing into the touch. "I'm fine. Aren't you cold?" He asked, looked down at Antonio's hand on his hip.

Antonio smiled and shook his head. "Not at all. My love for you warms me right up~"

"Oh my god that was lame." Lovino groaned and Antonio laughed.

"But in all seriousness," Antonio continued, clasping Lovino's hand and holding it up to his lips. "I don't like it when you're cold. Normally you're very warm."

Lovino blinked and stared at Antonio, who was focused on trying to warm Lovino's hand. "…Is it because of back then?… When I was cold all the time?" He asked hesitantly.

Antonio frowned, which Lovino hated, because it doesn't suit him at all. "...Yeah."

They continued walking in a peaceful silence, Lovino in awe at how much Antonio cared. Their shoes were the only sound between them as they stepped on the concrete sidewalk.

"… I'll being a jacket tomorrow." Lovino suddenly said, breaking the silence.

Antonio nodded and the smile was back on his face and made Lovino relax. "Okay. I love you." Antonio said happily as he leaned in to place a kiss on Lovino's cheek.

Lovino didn't move and Antonio's lips softly pressed against his cheek. His body felt warmer and he looked down at his feet as the warmth heated his face. "L-love you too..."

~oO0Oo~

They made it to the campus and Antonio insisted on walking Lovino to his first class for the day, which Lovino argued against, but in the end let him did as he pleased. Antonio's class was only in the next building anyway.

Right outside of the classroom, Lovino turned to Antonio and crossed his arms, leaning against the wall next to the classroom door. Other students were filing into the room, so Lovino spoke quickly and quietly. "I'll text you when I'm done. We can go have lunch or something before my next class." He said as Antonio's smile grew.

"Okay! Have fun my love~" Antonio replied happily as he moved to kiss Lovino, but was pushed gently away.

"N-not here, idiot!" Lovino grumbled and glanced around to see if anyone was paying attention to them.

Antonio chuckled and let his fingers carefully intertwine with Lovino's. "Ahh… Fine then. I already can't wait to get back to the apartment so I can shower your lovely face with kisses."

Lovino blushed and turned to walk into the classroom, muttering an embarrassed goodbye as he did so.

He easily found a seat near the front and tossed his bag next to the seat as he sat down. He had heard from all sorts of people in high school and home that college was intimidating, but he had never felt that it was. He contributed it to the fact that Antonio was right there with him. He briefly wondered how his brother was doing, if he made it to class and if he was nervous on his first day.

A bag plopped down beside him and he startled, looking up in shock as Sadik stood over him, a wide grin on his face.

"Hey there!" He greeted happily.

Lovino couldn't help but tense, but nodded. "...Hey..." He murmured.

Sadik took the seat beside Lovino and sighed, running his hand through his messy hair. Lovino noticed the guy had stubble and overall looked a little disheveled. His clothes were loose and baggy and a little frayed here and there, and he seemed out of breath.

"...Rough morning…?" Lovino asked.

Sadik laughed and shook his head. "Not so much as rough as rushed. I had to make sure my brother was taken to school."

Lovino nodded and said nothing. He thought about how Antonio had reacted to the last time Sadik tried talking to him. A spark of anger flickered inside Lovino. Was that a bit too controlling? Was Antonio seriously overreacting?

He glanced wearily at Sadik, who merely smiled. This guy couldn't be too bad, could he?

~oO0Oo~

At the end of the class, Lovino quickly packed his things and tried to exit the classroom quickly, but Sadik stopped him.

"Wait! Um… Lovino, right? When's your next class? If you want, we could go and get lunch or something. My treat!" Sadik offered.

Lovino pretended to take a moment to think about it, but he shook his head and began walking away. "Sorry, I'm kinda busy." Lovino told him, and hoped Sadik would just leave it at that.

He pulled out his phone and made sure to text Antonio that he was out of class, then texted Feliciano to make sure his first day went okay.

Unsurprisingly, it was Feliciano that answered first.

Feli: _'My day is going great! I just got done with my first class, my second one starts in a few minutes. How about you, Lovi?'_

Lovino stopped outside of the building to text his brother.

Lovi: _'Great. It went okay. I'm meeting up with Antonio to get lunch.'_

Feli: _'Oh? Are you going into town? Have fun!~'_

Lovino rolled his eyes and just when he was going to slip his phone back into his pocket, it buzzed once more.

Antonio: _Ah, I'll be right there my love. Wait for me~'_

Lovino shoved his phone into his pocket and crossed his arms as he leaned against the wall. Antonio was such a sap.

He didn't have to wait long before Antonio was happily jogging up to him, enveloping him in a hug. "How'd your first class go?" He asked as soon as they pulled apart.

Lovino thought about Sadik, but decided not to tell Antonio about it. He seemed to be in a good mood anyway. "It was… good. I know I'm gonna get bored as fuck in it in the future though." Lovino answered and started walking alongside the Spaniard.

Antonio nodded understandingly and sighed. "I know what you mean. The class is boring, but! I made a friend with the person sitting next to me and she shared her food with me!" He grinned.

"Are you even hungry then?" Lovino laughed softly, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

Antonio laughed and Lovino watched as his hair bounced with his movements. "As a matter of fact, I am! Where do you want to go?" He let his fingers brush against Lovino's.

Lovino felt a blush rising in his cheeks. What was wrong with him? He and Antonio had been together for a decently long time, why was he still blushing like a school girl!? He frowned and looked at his feet as he tried to think of a place they could eat. "...How about a deli?"

Antonio nodded and began walking a bit faster. "Yeah! That sounds great, actually. I think I saw one not far from our apartment."

Lovino nodded and kept pace with Antonio, stuffing his hands further into his pocket to prevent the Spaniard from taking a hold of them. He knew Antonio would want to try something as soon as they got away from the bustle of campus.

"Ah, by the way. The therapist called, she wants another follow up sometime this month." Antonio said gently, his eyes concentrated on Lovino.

He sighed and his shoulders slumped a bit. "Why? I haven't-"

"I know, but I think it's a good thing! Besides, I'll go with you and we'll get it over and done with. Okay?" Antonio interrupted Lovino, grinning as he linked arms with the Italian. "And don't think I didn't notice what you were trying to pull there. Let me be romantic with you! Nobody will care!" He whined and tugged at Lovino's arm playfully.

Lovino rolled his eyes, but didn't pull away when Antonio pulled Lovino's hand out from his pockets and linked theirs together. "If you say so..." He didn't even know what he was responding to, but Antonio always made his life seem calm, manageable.

"Ah, by the way… Feli texted me earlier. He wants us to have dinner with Ludwig's family. They're coming for a short visit and I guess already picked out the restaurant." Antonio began softly. Lovino imagined himself getting annoyed by the news, but Antonio's hand in his seemed to distract him from what he normally would make a fuss about.

"That's fine. I don't want Feli to be mad at me anymore." Lovino murmured.

Antonio nodded and a small grin spread on his face. "And another by the way..."

"Oh, c'mon, what else is there!?" Lovino complained, giving Antonio a critical look.

The Spaniard merely laughed, but it was different, lower than his usual tone. It made Lovino shiver. "I promise, last one! I was thinking of a way to put what I said the other day..."

Lovino stared blankly at Antonio, wondering just what the hell he was talking about. Then it clicked in him.

Dammit.

"Don't fucking bring that up here and now!" Lovino squeaked, and quickly turned away from Antonio's slightly embarrassed smile.

"Well, I just feel like we might push it completely under the rug if I don't!"

Lovino tried rolling his eyes, but knew he was too embarrassed to be showing any real amount of annoyance. "...Says the guy that won't fucking tell me about his family."

Antonio paused, his eyebrows raising and his mouth making a small 'o'. "….I thought I already did?" He asked in surprise.

Lovino scoffed. "That wasn't much. You know so much about me and yet I feel like I don't really know you. It makes me uneasy." He admitted, biting his lip as he awaited an answer.

Damn Antonio for not talking. It felt like minutes went by and the only sound was that of their shoes hitting the pavement or the cars driving by. "…...I suppose you're right… But like you said, not here or now." He replied calmly, a small smile slowly working its way back onto his face. "I'm with you, living with you, I want to live in the moment right now." He brought Lovino's hand up to his mouth and gave the back of it a gentle kiss.

Lovino's heart felt like it was going to beat out of its chest. He was so caught up in Antonio's display of affection, he nearly missed what Antonio had just said, that he had avoided the conversation once again. But Lovino agreed with him. It might not be the best time to start talking like that, so he left it alone for now. Right now, he just wanted to sit with Antonio, maybe hold hands under the table, and hope his next class was less boring than earlier.


	5. Chapter 5

Wow! I actually updated earlier than expected! Go me!

Anyway, I'm now going to change the content rating. This story is maturing and I'm happy I can write with a little bit more freedom than I had in All I've Lost. Things are picking up and I hope you guys are enjoying the story so far. It makes me happy to read your reviews and keeps me motivated into finishing this. I'll continue working on the next chapter, so hopefully that will be out soon.

Like I said, I hope you enjoy!

* * *

chapter. 5 _'Fall down seven times, stand up eight.'_

* * *

Lovino's second class that day was a tad more interesting. For one, he didn't start doodling in his notebook. He didn't repeatedly check the clock and count down to when the class would end.

It was still a relief when his class was over. It was different than high school, he'd admit that. He was disappointed to find out that Antonio's class still had another half hour before it ended. He had told Lovino to head back to the apartment, not wanting him to wait around on campus.

But Lovino had yet to explore. He wanted to walk back with Antonio anyway. So digging his hands into his pant pockets, he started walking down the hall into the next building over. It was a wide, open-campus and students packed the corridors. He walked into a large common room and looked around before finding a campus map posted on one of the walls.

The library.

Lovino's eyes lit up and he quickly studied where the location was before setting off. He got lost for a few minutes, having accidentally taken the wrong hallway, but when he finally made it to the library doors, he quickly sent a text to Antonio.

Lovi: _'Holy fuck they have a_ _huge fucking_ _library!'_

He rushed inside and was amazed by how high the ceiling was. There were several stairs and the walls were lined with windows, giving the large room natural lighting. Lovino wandered around, looking at the different sections, noting the content of each one.

It wasn't until he was upstairs that he found a section for leisurely reading and that his phone buzzed in his back pocket.

Antonio: _'You're so cute when you're excited! I'll be out of class soon, do you want me to meet you there?'_

Lovino considered this. He wanted to stay in the library a bit longer. He threw his bag onto the ground next to a small couch before texting Antonio.

Lovi: _'The fuck are you talking about? I'm cute all the time. But sure, I might be here awhile.'_

He slipped his phone back into his back pocket and wandered to the nearest bookshelf. It was high and the books at the top shelf were out of his reach. Lovino scanned over them, looking for a spine or name that appealed to him. Typically, he read mystery novels and was hoping he'd find one that he had yet to read.

He was sitting on the floor with his legs criss-crossed when Antonio suddenly plopped down beside him, greeting him loudly.

"Hello there, my little bookworm~"

Lovino jumped, startled at the Spaniard's sudden appearance. "D-don't do that!" He hissed, placing a book that he had been flipping through back in its place.

Antonio smiled and noticed the two books sitting by Lovino's feet. "Ah, found some that you liked?" He asked as he reached over and began flipping through one of them.

Lovino nodded, sitting back and watching his boyfriend flip through the book. He had wanted to look through the section more, but with Antonio here, he's more leaning toward the idea of taking a nap with him at their apartment instead.

"...We're supposed to eat with Ludwig's family tonight." Antonio murmured, gently setting the book down in front of him.

This time Lovino let out a short huff. "Yeah, I know."

"...How are you feeling about it?"

Lovino furrowed his brows. "Annoyed, but otherwise, I'm good." He said softly and started to get up from his spot on the floor. One of his feet had fallen asleep and he cringed at the pin and needle feeling that came from his movement.

Antonio sounded more relieved when he spoke and he too stood up. "Ah, I'm happy to hear that. Do you want to head back now? I was sort of prepared to wait for you for a couple more minutes…. Or hours." He chuckled softly and bent down to pick the books up from the floor. "I'm actually surprised you picked out only two from such a large selection of books- are you okay?" He paused and noticed how Lovino was standing on one foot, looking agitated.

"My foot fell asleep." Lovino grumbled.

Antonio blinked and the two made eye contact for a split second. Immediately Lovino started to fidget away.

"Don't you fucking think about it, you bastard!" He hissed as he attempted to hop away on one foot.

Antonio had a grin on his face as he easily trapped Lovino against the bookshelf, preventing him from moving. "You're supposed to wake it up by stepping on it, y'know?" He said and gently kicked Lovino's foot.

"You son of a-" Lovino gasped and squirmed in the Spaniard's hold. "Ow! I'm gonna- Ow!- Fucking remember this, you asshole!" He yelped as Antonio nudged his foot once more. Though as he spoke, a small smile tugged at the corners of his lips.

"There! Feel better, my love?" Antonio asked cheerfully once Lovino was able to stand on two feet once more.

"Asshole." Lovino muttered and snatched the books from out of Antonio's hand. "Just wait, I'm gonna get you back."

"Oh, I'd love to see that."

Lovino shot his boyfriend a glare, and together they both descended the stairs and made their way to the book checkout in the front of the library. Antonio was amused, to say the least. He liked teasing Lovino and the reaction he got. It was the most adorable thing.

Once Lovino was handed the books back, they navigated through the large crowd of students lounging around outside of the library, and began their trek back to their apartment.

"Feli was also telling me that festival was coming up." Antonio began.

"First of all, why is he texting you instead of me, and second, what festival?" Lovino mumbled and tried not to focus too much on how Antonio kept subtly brushing the back of his hand against his arm, seemingly trying to coax him to take his hand out of his pocket.

The Spaniard laughed softly. "As he explained it, there's more of a chance of you agreeing to go, if I'm the one telling you. And you don't remember? Feli brought it up not too long ago."

Lovino scrunched up his nose in thought. He did remember something like that. "...Okay… So what, we're gonna go?"

Antonio nodded excitedly, his face lighting up and Lovino knew that the Spaniard had probably been planning it ever since he first heard of it. "Yeah! It sounds fun! They have games in the main square of the shopping district, and there'll be food stands set up everywhere, there'll be firework shows and other performances throughout the night, it'll be nice!" He exclaimed.

Lovino let out a soft chuckle. "I don't mind if we go." His heart raced when Antonio's smile grew impossibly bigger, and he brought one of his arms around Lovino's waist to pull him closer, placing a chaste kiss on his cheek before quickly releasing him.

"Ah, I love this so much. I get to spend so much more time with you." Antonio sighed happily.

Lovino nodded. He enjoyed it too. He was a bit nervous at first and was afraid that Antonio might quickly grow tired of him, but the Spaniard had reassured him numerous times that that will never happen. It was nice. Lovino felt wanted.

By the time they made it back to their apartment, Lovino was ready to call it a day and take a nap. He kicked his shoes off and groaned as he dragged himself to their shared bedroom and plopped onto the bed he had been missing the entire day.

He heard Antonio follow him and laugh from the doorway. "It's barely the first day of classes and you look like you're ready to sleep for a week."

"Either shut up or join me." Lovino retorted from where his face was buried into a pillow.

"Of course~" Antonio said and Lovino felt him crawl onto the bed to lay next to him. "I love siestas anyway. And they're one hundred times better when I'm taking them with you." Antonio murmured, reaching over and running his hands through Lovino's hair.

Lovino fully relaxed into the touch, the feeling of the Spaniard massaging his scalp felt good and only served to make him more sleepy. "Stupid…. 'm gonna fall asleep fast if you do that…." He mumbled.

"That's fine. Get some sleep, my love." Antonio said softly, continuing to run his fingers through the Italian's hair.

He enjoyed watching Lovino struggle to stay awake and eventually lose to sleep. He especially enjoyed hearing Lovino's soft breathing beside him. Smiling, he scooted closer and draped an arm over Lovino's side and gently maneuvered himself so that he was comfortably cuddled up next to the Italian.

"I love you, Lovi." He sighed and placed a kiss on his forehead. He was feeling sleepy as well, and knew that he'd be asleep within minutes after closing his eyelids.

~oO0Oo~

He doesn't often dream about it. Once a month, if anything. But that doesn't mean they aren't any less horrible.

The dream always seems to simulate it, like he's reliving it. The racing heart beat, the dull pain, the throb he feels, and knows that the real pain will come later on, after the adrenaline has left his system. But those aren't the most horrible things about it. It's not physical.

Each time it's like his throat constricts, threatening to choke him to death and despite his efforts to breathe properly. Each time he's thrashing, moving his body in an attempt to escape.

And each time he fails. It's a dream.

~oO0Oo~

"Toni…. Antonio!"

Antonio's eyes snap open and on impulse he quickly sits up, smacking his face into Lovino's, who had been hovering above him.

"Ow! Fuck!" Lovino cried out and held his hand over his nose.

Antonio's heart was racing and he realized he was sweaty, his bangs clinging to his forehead. His mouth was dry and he couldn't help his trembling hands. He watched, stunned as Lovino gave him a concerned look. He was holding his nose and blood began dripping, so he stood up and quickly walked into the bathroom.

He returned with a box of tissue, and was holding a bundle up to his nose. "What's wrong?" He spoke nasally, his voice dripping with concern.

Antonio attempted to speak, but his throat was dry and his voice came out raspy. Lovino made a face and got up once more, this time going into the kitchen.

He came back with a glass of cold water, holding it out for Antonio, who gratefully took it with shaking hands. "Ah, t-thank you, Lovi." He said weakly, and downed the entire cup.

The frown seemed to deepen on Lovino's face, and he scooted closer to the Spaniard. "What's wrong?" He repeated, his eyes piercing into Antonio's.

"...N-nightmare, I guess?" Antonio forced a laugh.

Lovino didn't seem convinced, and he took the empty cup from Antonio, placing it on the floor beside their bed. He pulled out more tissues and replaced the bloodied ones, crumpling them up and tossing them across the room into the trash bin.

"I'm sorry, Lovi. Does it hurt?" Antonio asked guiltily.

"No… What kind of nightmare was it?" Lovino asked instead and surprised Antonio when he placed his hand over his trembling one. It made the Spaniard's shoulders relax and he took in a deep breath.

"I'm sorry… I don't remember..." Antonio murmured.

Lovino huffed, but didn't push the subject. He saw that Antonio's hair was plastered to his face, and his clothes were soaked with sweat. "...You should take a shower..." He suggested softly.

Antonio looked down at his shirt and let out another hilted laugh. "I suppose you're right… What time is it?"

"Almost three." Lovino answered. "...Antonio, I'm serious, are you okay?" He reached up and cupped one of Antonio's cheeks, his thumb swiping soothingly over his skin.

"I'm really fine, my love. It was just a bad dream." Antonio hastily reassured him, leaning into the touch. "I already feel much better because you're here."

Lovino didn't look convinced, and he let out a soft sigh, finally removing the tissue from under his nose as he leaned forward and kissed Antonio directly on the lips.

The Spaniard's eyelids fluttered closed and he completely melted into the kiss. It was a long and indulged one, and when Lovino pulled away, Antonio felt like it wasn't enough. He moved so he could wrap his arms as best he could around Lovino's waist, pulling him closer so he could kiss him more.

Lovino complied, letting Antonio deepen the kiss and place small pecks around his mouth and jaw. He tried keeping up with his pace, but Antonio seemed frantic. It wasn't until he felt a tongue enter his mouth that he became hesitant and was almost wanting to pull away.

Antonio was a great kisser though. Instead of letting Lovino pull away, he held fast and let his tongue explore the Italian's mouth, feeling relieved when Lovino relaxed into it.

Their tongues danced, and Antonio made a small noise of surprise when it was Lovino who deepened the kiss. His arms shyly came up to wrap around Antonio's shoulders and the world seemed to fall away around them.

That is, until Antonio began easing Lovino onto the bed and was maneuvering on top of him. Lovino gasped and placed a hand on Antonio's chest, keeping him at a distance.

They stared at each other for what seemed like minutes. Both were panting and their cheeks were a shade of red. Lovino was pretty sure the blush ran up to his ears and down his neck.

It was Antonio that spoke first. "S-sorry… I guess I got carried away there..." He murmured embarrassedly and moved off of Lovino.

The Italian wanted to say something, but he himself didn't know what to possibly say in this situation. Antonio continued.

"I feel much better now, Lovi. Really! I don't want to worry you." He said and reached over to gently brush Lovino's bangs from his face. "I'm sorry if I scared you."

Lovino stared at Antonio. He still looked a mess, but at least he didn't look as distressed as when he first woke up. "…You always worry about me…." He began, his eyes never leaving Antonio's. "Let me worry about you too. And I've said it before, you will never scare me."

Antonio's eyes widened at the confession. Lovino was looking at him with nothing short of admiration and love, and Antonio's heart pounded in a good way.

"Okay." He responded weakly.

They stared at each other for another moment, before Antonio moved to stand up from the bed. "I think I should take a shower. We should be getting ready for the dinner tonight anyway." Antonio said as he walked to the bathroom. "I'll be right out." He said to Lovino before closing the door.

~oO0Oo~

Fuck.

What the fuck.

As soon as the door closed, Lovino rolled onto his stomach and buried his face into his pillow. He didn't know which he wanted to do more, scream into it or throw it across the room.

What they had just done was absolutely overstepping some boundaries. What made it even worse was that Lovino couldn't have cared less.

He gripped the pillow harder and gulped when he realized that in fact, he had wanted it. He was the one that had deepened the kiss, the one that had threw his arms around Antonio and let him push him onto the bed.

He felt guilty. It was him that told Antonio that he wasn't ready. Now here he was at the verge of giving in, and at such a bad time. Antonio was obviously distressed about something.

Lovino sighed heavily and thought about the situation. He had been sleeping when he woke up to Antonio fidgeting in his sleep. He didn't think anything of it until Antonio started whimpering and sweating profusely.

But Antonio wrote it off as nothing more than a bad dream. Lovino hated not knowing for sure whether or not that was true. Would Antonio be able to tell if the roles were reversed? Probably. Had Lovino even comforted him at all like Antonio would've?

He reached up and touched his lips, where the lingering feel of Antonio's still remained. He doubted that was any form of comfort. How were they supposed to go about the rest of their evening like nothing had happened? How was the dinner going to go?

Thoughts whirled around in Lovino's head and the more they did, the more stressed he became.

He knew he and Antonio would have to talk about what had just happened.


	6. Chapter 6

I'm so sorry I've been away for so long! I feel sad, I don't want this story to die. Not before I finish it, at least.

So I have some warnings for this chapter guys... Just... trigger warnings. Be aware. Definitely angst (sorry)

Another thing! I'm going to get an AO3 account, just to post some new destiel fan fiction I have and maybe some K-pop fanfics. I'll post the link here as soon as I get it set up though. c:

I hope you guys like this chapter, as I was working on it at 4 in the morning lol. It's shorter than the others, but also where the story kinda picks up. Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 6. _"It's never easy,  
And it's never over  
And it will be a fight  
Renewed each morning  
But it's possible"  
_

* * *

"Lovi!"

Feliciano squealed and shot up from the table, running to hug his brother tightly. Lovino grimaced, but nevertheless patted Feliciano on the back. He wanted to be on his brother's good side for tonight, at least.

Once the two parted, Feliciano gave Antonio a friendly hug as well, then led the two to the table where Ludwig was sitting with his parents.

"Glad you could join us." Ludwig nodded curtly at the two.

"Of course! We should be spending more time with each other anyway!" Antonio said easily, and immediately started making conversation with Ludwig and his parents.

Lovino rolled his eyes, but was sort of impressed. Antonio had been in a strange mood ever since the incident earlier. He clung to Lovino and lavished him with kisses. Which had been awkward and embarrassing as hell, considering what nearly happened the first time.

But now, Antonio seemed to be his usual self. He was laughing and being sociable, the complete opposite of Lovino, who only introduced himself, but otherwise remained silent. Luckily, his brother didn't seem to mind. He was laughing and joining in on the conversation, giving Lovino a grin or two when their eyes met.

Well, this was boring.

They ordered drinks and soon after, their food. The entire time Lovino was stifling a yawn, not wanting to be rude. He was more than glad that their food came quick. It was hard to decide what to eat from the menu. It was a small, local restaurant that served mainly poultry. Lovino was horrified to see that a lot of the items on the menu consisted of sausages. He even considered making an excuse and saying he was feeling ill, but he couldn't do that without his brother and Antonio flipping their shit and thinking he was relapsing again.

So reluctantly, he ordered steak. When it was set down in front of him, he couldn't help but frown. Jesus, the portions at this restaurant were huge. Antonio had ordered ribs and Feliciano had ordered bratwurst like his potato boyfriend.

Everyone's plates were humungous. Even Antonio whistled at how much ribs were on his plate. But Lovino knew he would finish it. Antonio could probably eat a fridge.

Lovino cut a piece and popped it into his mouth, deciding that it did, in fact, taste pretty delicious.

Soon the energy of the table died down and Ludwig's parents paid for the dinner. They were both tired, so they left early. Ludwig, Feliciano and Antonio stuck around only to talk about plans for this weekend, since it was apparently when the festival started.

Lovino got up and knew it was coming…

"Lovi? Where are you going?" Antonio asked immediately.

"Bathroom? I need to go too! I'll come with you!" Feliciano said after, fumbling to get out of his seat.

Lovino rolled his eyes and turned to walk toward the bathroom. They were always like this when Lovino excused himself from the table. He wondered when he was finally going to be trusted.

He felt Feliciano latch onto his arm as the two made their way to the bathroom.

"I can go to the bathroom by myself." Lovino grumbled, glaring as a waitress eyed them curiously.

"What are you talking about? I need to go too!" Feliciano giggled.

The two entered the bathroom and Lovino shook his head as he went into one stall and Feliciano another. It was as they were washing their hands that Feliciano spoke up. "Er… I'm really glad you did this, Lovi. It means a lot to me… and Ludwig." He smiled and Lovino couldn't find it in him to snap at his brother.

Instead, he flicked his fingers at him, splashing water onto his little brother's face, before drying his hands with a paper towel. Feliciano made a noise of surprise, but was laughing as he dried his hands and followed Lovino out of the bathroom.

When they returned, Lovino saw Antonio and Feliciano exchange that look of reassurance, silently telling each other that Lovino was okay. It made him a little disheartened. When would things be normal? Would things ever be?

He was snapped out of his thoughts when Antonio intertwined his fingers in his. He didn't realize both he and Ludwig had stood up and were now putting their jackets on. Antonio helped Lovino put on his, which Lovino grumbled about because it was a totally unnecessary gesture.

"We'll see you guys whenever!" Antonio laughed as he waved the other two goodbye. Lovino did the same, forcing a small smile on his face. Feliciano and Ludwig both said their goodbyes before walking in the opposite direction to the bus stop.

Antonio had offered them a ride, but Feliciano was too excited about taking the bus again, that Ludwig had told them they were fine.

So the two made their way to the parking lot to Antonio's car. Lovino climbed into the passengers seat and sighed, slumping into it. Antonio got into the driver's seat and noticed Lovino.

"Are you okay? Tired?" Antonio asked as he turned on the heater. "It's getting chilly now. Do you have any bigger jackets?"

Lovino huffed, closing his eyes and finally letting out a yawn. "I'm fine, yes I'm tired. And I don't think so." He murmured.

Antonio made a noise of disbelief. "Tomorrow, we're gonna get you a winter jacket. I can't have you freezing!"

Lovino huffed and sunk into the seat, but felt his cheeks warm at how caring Antonio could be. He still wanted to talk about what had happened earlier that day, but wondered when would be an appropriate time to do so. "…...A-Antonio…?" He started, nervousness bubbling inside him. Antonio had already pulled out of the parking lot and was driving down the dark street. They had about five minutes before they reached their apartment, and Lovino was desperately searching his mind for the right words.

"Hm?" Antonio hummed.

"….W-what was your nightmare about?"

Silence fell, and Lovino fidgeted in his seat. Did he make a mistake in mentioning it now?

He stared and bit his bottom lip in worry. Antonio was frowning.

"I'd rather not talk about it, Lovi." He finally said, reaching to turn the volume up for the radio.

Lovino gently took his hand, stopping him. "...Y-you know I'm here for you...right? You always worry about me, but I'm worrying about you right now. I'm-"

"Lovi, just drop it."

Lovino's eyes widened as Antonio harshly removed his hand from Lovino's grasp. The air in the car was thick with tension and Antonio's face was hardened as he stared at the road ahead of him, not once sparing Lovino a glance.

Lovino let his hand weakly fall onto his lap, looking down and thinking about the situation. He wanted to cry. Why was he such a baby?

They got home quickly and Antonio turned the ignition off and quickly went inside. Lovino walked cautiously behind him.

As they entered, Antonio still said nothing and flopped onto the futon, sighing loudly.

Lovino awkwardly stood in their small living room, a little bit of panic setting in. "…..I'm sorry..." He murmured weakly.

Antonio spared him a glance, but there was still no smile, he seemed tired. "Yeah…. I'm gonna take a drive, I need to think. I'll be back later." Antonio sighed and stood up once more.

Lovino grasped his arm before he could take a step towards the door. "Antonio please…. Please, I-"

"I know, Lovi. I know. Just…" He hesitated, staring at Lovino's eyes that were getting a little glossy. He himself knew Lovino was only trying to help. "I'll be back." He said again before prying his hands away and quickly closing the door behind him.

~oO0Oo~

Antonio sighed as he looked at the time. Two in the morning. He hadn't meant to stay out so late. He felt guilty. Lovino looked so, so sad and his heart hurt just thinking about it. He needed to apologize and make it up to him. He turned off the car and looked out the window to their apartment. He drove around the block for hours, and he didn't feel any better. He just felt guilty now.

He began walking to their apartment, wanting nothing more than to lie down next to Lovino. He needed that warmth now. He stepped inside and navigated through the dark to their bedroom. He slipped off his pants and shirt, and crawled onto the bed.

He felt around, but there was nothing, just the blankets. Antonio pushed himself up and searched in the darkness. He felt something akin to dread and rushed to turn on the lights. "Lovi?" He called out and ran to the living room to check if he had fallen asleep on the futon. Nothing. Did Lovino go out also? On such a cold night? He began slipping his shirt and pants back on when he realized there was still one place he didn't check. He walked back to their bedroom and his heart dropped as he ran to the bathroom door, swinging the door open.

"Oh my god, Lovi!" He shouted and dropped to his knees beside Lovino, who was laying on the floor. Tears spilled down his face as he took in the situation. There was vomit and blood. Lovino had relapsed again. He gently picked Lovino up and carried him to their bed. He ran back to the bathroom and wet a towel with warm water so he could clean Lovino up a bit.

"Lovi, please wake up. Lovi?" He tried as he shook Lovino's shoulders. When he received no response, grabbed his phone and called Feli. Should he take Lovino to the hospital? Should he call 911? Thoughts whirled in his brain and his heart pounded in his chest as he waited for the other to answer.

Finally the other line picked up, it was Ludwig. "Antonio? Why are you calling at…. 2:30 in the morning?" He asked, voice heavy with sleep.

"It's Lovino, I-I… Please…!" Antonio sobbed, his words coming out jumbled.

Ludwig suddenly seemed more alert, he could hear movement on the other line. "What's wrong? What happened?" He sounded concerned.

"I- H-he relapsed…. H-he's unconscious-" Antonio mumbled. "T-there's blood, I don't… I don't-"

"Please calm down, Antonio. We're on our way." Ludwig said calmly. "Is he still breathing?"

"Y-yeah…." Antonio whispered, gently running his fingers through Lovino's soft hair. "I-I don't know what to do Ludwig-"

"It's going to be okay, Antonio. We're driving there now, I- Hey-!"

"Antonio, is my brother okay?" Feliciano's voice came through, sounding on the verge of tears. "What happened!?"

Antonio only cried harder. The realization hit him that it was his fault. It was his fault that Lovino relapsed. The guilt and shame crashed into him and he hugged Lovino tightly to his chest.

Feliciano and Ludwig showed up minutes later, rushing to the bedroom to find Antonio holding Lovino tightly in his arms.

"Lovi!" Feliciano shouted and ran to his side, trying to shake him awake as Antonio had done earlier.

"Guys, please… Don't move him around like that!" Ludwig moved and gently pried the two away from Lovino. He walked into the bathroom and began to piece the situation together. Antonio and Lovino were still in their clothes from earlier. A little strange considering it was so late. "Antonio… What happened?" He asked.

Antonio buried his face in his hands, lowering his head as he sobbed. "W-we… we fought…. I went out for a bit and when I came back, he was…. God, I'm such a fucking idiot. It's all my fault!"

Feliciano sniffed and offered comfort to a shaking Antonio. "I-it's not your fault. I-it's going to happen sometimes, Antonio…"

Suddenly, Lovino shifted and all eyes turned to him as his eyelids weakly fluttered open.

"Lovi- Lovi!" Antonio gasped and moved beside him.

Lovino's eyes were bloodshot and he stared at Antonio for a moment. "….I'm sorry..." He tried, but no sound came out.

Antonio shook his head and moved to place kisses all over Lovino's face. "Don't apologize. Please don't apologize."

~oO0Oo~

Antonio was exhausted.

In the end, he had insisted they take Lovino to the hospital, just to be sure. They immediately admitted him and told them what he had already known. Lovino relapsed.

"It's not that rare. Dehydration is a large cause of it. Blood needs to circulate to the brain in order to supply oxygen. It's simply a lack of fluids." The nurse informed them before leaving.

Lovino was once again in a hospital bed. It's seemed so long since they've been in this situation, and Antonio felt awful.

Feliciano walked in with Ludwig and sat in the chair on the other side of the bed. "The nurse just told us… He seemed fine at dinner.. I don't understand." Feliciano murmured sadly. Ludwig put an arm around him. "Our grandpa's coming. He's very worried about Lovi."

Antonio nodded, but his eyes never left Lovino.

"...You know he's not one hundred percent recovered. He's had relapses before. We can get through this." Ludwig said gently.

Feliciano hummed in agreement. "Lovi was a severe case… Things like this will happen..."

Lovino moved and everyone quieted as he slowly opened his eyes. "...Where am I?" He asked weakly.

Antonio leaned over the bed and kissed him before answering. "...You're in the hospital. Do you remember what happened?"

Lovino was silent. Simply staring at Antonio with tired eyes. "...Yeah." He mumbled.

"Lovi… You should've told us. We could've helped." Feliciano said, reaching out and grasping his hand tightly.

"I'm sorry..."

Antonio shook his head. "There is absolutely no reason for you to apologize." He said, voice hoarse.

Ludwig sensed the mood and stood up. "We'll be back in a bit." He gently motioned for Feliciano to follow him, and he did so reluctantly.

Once the two were gone, Antonio began crying again. "Lovi, god I'm so sorry… I shouldn't have… I didn't mean to…"

"It was my fault for pushing too far..." Lovino whispered, staring at Antonio as tears spilled over.

"Lovi, no… I'm the one that triggered your relapse." Antonio insisted, holding Lovino's hand. "It really should be me apologizing."

Lovino blinked tiredly, but said nothing. Antonio looked down, and hesitated. "….I'll talk..."

He felt Lovino tense, and he rubbed his thumb on the back of Lovino's hand in gentle, soothing circles. "Antonio, you don't have to-"

"No, we've been dating for so long, I should tell you." Antonio cut him off. "….S-so my dad… A-and the nightmare…." He gulped and forced himself to continue. He wanted to protest when Lovi pushed himself to sit up, moving to hug Antonio.

His arms wrapped around Antonio's shoulders, letting him bury face in his neck. He felt Antonio's body relax as tears fell on the juncture between neck and shoulder. "….I…I-I love you, Antonio..." He murmured.

Antonio breathed against Lovino's skin, deeply savoring the calming scent the boy had. He gulped and held onto Lovino's waist to ground himself as he forced himself to string his thoughts together into words. "….I hate my dad, Lovi. I don't… I don't know how to say it..."

Lovino hushed him and held him tighter. "It's okay, Antonio. I'm right here."

"….Um… O-okay… I- When I was still living in that house… I would hide to get away from him…. One time, I even slept in the bathroom because it had a lock on the door..."

Lovino listened quietly as he took in everything Antonio said.

"I know I say that I-I want to take our relationship a bit further…. B-but… But… I feel…. I feel like him… I'm scared Lovi. I..." A sob racked through his body and he hugged Lovino tighter. "He would come into my room at night… a-and- and I couldn't stop him… God, Lovi… I was so disgusted with myself, and him. I still have nightmares and I don't ever want to…. I don't want to do be like him…!"

Realization sunk in and he gasped, feeling frozen in place as Antonio cried hard in his neck. He couldn't think of anything to say, even as Antonio pulled away and pressed a soft kiss to his lips.

"….A-Antonio… come here..." He whispered and leaned back, making room for Antonio to crawl onto the bed and lay beside him. The Spaniard immediately curled into his side and sighed as Lovino gently held him.

Lovino was feeling a lot of emotions. He was confused and sad…. But mostly angry. Angry because it didn't take much to piece Antonio's story together. He held Antonio closer and did his best to soothe the Spaniard to sleep.

He felt so selfish, for these past years. All this time Antonio has been worrying and supporting him… All this time, while having something so awful happening to him. Antonio's been needing help, and Lovino was determined to help him, in any way he can. But the thought kept whirling around in his mind, igniting a fire in his chest and making him want to scream, to throw a tantrum, because the one person who he thought deserved the world and everything in it, was being hurt. The thought repeated in his mind and he held Antonio closer, desperate to hear his heartbeat.

His dad used to molest him.

How were they going to go about this?


End file.
